Confidence is such an interesting thing….
It’s one of the few things in life that we are all born with and then somehow, for some of us, it gets eroded.
Think about it
Babies are born with all the confidence in the world. They are confident that when they are ready, they will walk. They take steps, they fall and they get up again and continue until they can walk and eventually run. Whilst they still can’t walk, that doesn’t stop them from finding another way to move to get what they want – they even climb!!
They grow a little and start talking and then the Why? questions start… Lots of confidence to ask questions and keep asking them until they are tired or they start to gain some understanding they are searching for.
So when does this confidence start to get eroded?
Pretty early on. As soon as children are asked to “fit in”, to fit into the social norms we live within. Now I’m not saying that they shouldn’t or that it’s not right to have those norms – we have to have norms and rules to live by together. But how can we do this without eroding confidence?
As a coach, I not only get asked directly, how can I become more confident. I also get asked questions like:
How can I be more authentic as a leader?
How do I learn to say no?
How do I give honest developmental feedback?
How do I speak up in meetings?
And so many more…
And all of these questions have to do with confidence as well as to do with fear.
We have a fear that being ourselves will somehow not be what’s needed
What if I say no, I’ll be thought ill of
What if I give someone honest developmental feedback they will either get upset, not like me, or both.
That if I speak up in meetings I’ll be a target and what if I don’t know what to say…
Confidence is an attitude founded on a belief about ourselves… a belief that we are enough, that we can, that we can learn.
Some people confuse it with arrogance and say things like:
“Sonia, I just don’t want to be one of those people that always have to have the last word, who don’t listen to others, and it’s always about them”
But confidence isn’t that
Carol Dweck talks about having and cultivating a “Growth Mindset” and I believe that confidence is linked to a growth mindset, ie., a belief that you can learn, you can achieve, you can grow, you can do what you set your mind to and that it’s a journey.
So first of all, examine your thoughts. What do you have a fixed mindset about? When do you say “I just can’t (fill in the blank)
Then ask yourself why. What is the fear that is driving you to say that?
And then ask yourself “What if I could, then what?” And explore what it is that you would then do.
And if you need a short phrase to remind you of all of this, try this
“Just be more baby!”
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Speak soon,
Sonia xx
