What is it about this time of year that causes stress at work?
This is one of the times in the year when formal performance conversations happen and boy oh boy, do they cause some stress and worry!
What is it that makes performance conversations so hard?
Talking to my clients, there are a number of things that make these conversations tough.
Here are some of them:
Timing
Performance reviews tend to happen at the end of the year. This is a time when you are also focussed on hitting end of year targets, and now they ask you to do the formal review too?!
The other side of the coin on this argument is that this time of year comes around every year ?, so it shouldn’t be a surprise!
Preparation is key.
And then the bigger point…
The formal performance review conversation should be a summary of all the others you have had informally throughout the year. Nothing new should come up. It’s just an opportunity to further document it all.
But what if you’re not talking about the end of year review? What if it’s any conversation about performance?
Fear of upsetting someone
Is this you? Is it just the “poor performance” conversations that are the difficult ones for you? Do you struggle with the thought that someone is going to be upset by the news that you have to deliver?
If this is you, then I have a couple of things to say here:
- You have no control over someone else’s emotions. They will feel what they feel and if the emotion surprises you then get curious about the emotion. Rather than shy away from it, acknowledge the emotion you are experiencing and then ask the person to tell you more. What is it that is making them feel this way?
- Reframe your thinking. That means, think about the situation in a different way that is more empowering.
Here’s a reframe you could use:
This conversation is about helping someone do better, be more and be happier too. If someone is struggling with something they need to know. If there is a gap between what they are delivering and what is expected, they need to know. If it means that this is not the right role for them, they need to know. Why? So they can do something about it. And I can be here to help them make the right decision or get the right support.
This is just an example. Your situation may be different. Reframe how you are thinking about the situation in order to help you be as clear as you can be, as confident as you can be and anything else that you need.
Fear of not being able to deal with the emotions
This is another thing that makes for a difficult conversation.
What if I can’t handle the other person’s emotions?
What if they get angry?
What if they cry!!!
Remember that you cannot control or manage someone else’s emotions. All you can do is empathise with the emotion and let the other person know that you understand what they are feeling – NOT that you agree with their point of view.
So if the person in front of you gets angry, show understanding for how difficult it must be to feel angry in front of your boss.
If the person cries, be ready to hand them a tissue and give them time to compose themselves ( I always carry tissues with me when I’m coaching, just in case!)
Do not rescue!
Don’t be afraid to sit in silence with them.
Don’t be afraid to give them some time to compose themselves so that they can have a good conversation with you.
And don’t be afraid to speak about the emotional outburst. We are human. And as human beings we are emotional beings – thinking comes second.
Fear of being disliked
As a manager and or leader, a big part of your role is to develop and nurture those who work with you and who you are responsible for. I was on a course once training to deliver a coaching course to corporate clients, and we were asked:
Think of the best leader you ever had. What made them a great leader?
Not one person said, “they were my best friend”
People said things like:
- I learned so much from him/her
- They were tough but fair
- He/She challenged me
- He/She believed in me
- And so on…
Sometimes the person you are working with will struggle with the choices or decisions you make, but if you make them with the best intentions and communicate those intentions clearly, you won’t be disliked.
You may even be the best manager or leader they ever had.
What other conversations do you find difficult? Let me know in the comments and I promise to respond as soon as possible with some support.
