Do you really need it?
As a coach working predominantly with people who manage and lead others at work, I get a lot of questions like this:
- How do I tell someone that their behaviour is upsetting me and the rest of the team?
- How do I tell someone that their performance is not meeting expectations?
- How do I network?
- How do I manage my stakeholders?
- How do I ask for a promotion?
- How do I say no to my boss?
- How do I resolve a conflict at work?
And sooooo many more…
Now, to be clear; I’m working with adults. Most of them have families of their own or at least belong to a family and have friends outside of work. And not only that, these are talented people, in big roles with lots of responsibility. And yet when it comes to questions like this that arise at work, they are stuck and find it difficult to find answers for themselves.
That is until I ask them about these situations in their everyday life, with their friends, neighbours, partners or children.
- How do you tell your child, your partner or your friend that their behaviour is upsetting you and others?
- How do you tell your child, partner, friend… that they’re not doing well at something?
- How do you get to know people outside of work?
- How do you manage your relationships in your everyday life?
- How do you ask for something that you want or need?
- How do you say no to your child, partner, friend…?
- How do you resolve quarrels and conflicts between children, your partner, friends…?
And suddenly they all have responses and ideas.
In speaking to one of my friends Arantxa Espinal who’s a fellow coach, consultant and leadership trainer, she said to me:
“But Sonia, there are constructs at work that don’t exist elsewhere. There are rules and ways of doing things that mean that expectations of what is and isn’t possible are different.”
To be honest it took me a while to really assimilate this. Yes, the environment is different, and in every environment, there are rules, but what I’m talking about is being simply human – maybe a title for a future book, Simply Human Leadership? Although the environment is different, we are managing and leading people, and people are human beings in and outside of work. But I do now see the point. The rules in any environment are there for a reason and these are rules that we’ve created ourselves, as humans in the environment. We create them to make things simple, safe and equal for all. We organise so that we can achieve. But maybe it’s time for a change of rules?
In another conversation with another friend and colleague, Kate O’Loughlin, I was doing my usual trick of thinking out loud, and I said:
“Kate it really seems like I’ve spent a week giving people permission to be human!”
To which Kate replied:
“Now that’s a better title for a book Sonia! Permission to be human!”
One thing that often happens when I have these conversations with my clients is that they say something along the lines of
“But Sonia, I love my children (my partner, my friends…) and it’s just not the same at work!”
So, what if you could love those people you lead and manage at work? What would love look like in those situations and with those people? You don’t love your children, your partner and your friends in the same way, so what would love look like, sound like or feel like with people at work? There are many people who call their colleagues at work, their work family which implies a strong relationship and bond too.
And what would that do to the environment that we create at work? Would that change the rules?
This post has more questions than it has answers I know. And these questions are important questions too.
What I can say from my experience, is that as a leader, caring for the people I work with and the people I have the honour to lead has always resulted in more success and more fun for all of us, including for the organisation or the project we’ve been involved in. It’s brought out the best in people at the trickiest of times and it’s given me solutions to the toughest of situations.
Thinking in this way doesn’t make giving tough news or having “robust” conversations any easier, but it does make it simpler. From all the questions you might be able to tell that this is something that I’m still exploring. I’m in the process of making some of the things that I do unconsciously, conscious, so that I can speak and write about them with a view to helping any of you looking for answers to some of these tricky situations. So feel free to chip in, particularly if you’ve worked with me or if you’re experiencing something similar yourself.
And to start with, when it comes to some of those tricky situations at work (which have always got to do with other people!), which ones could you resolve by simply doing what you would do in other areas of your life?
